On August 2oth, my husband tried it again. This time he used our new Explorer as the weapon of choice. Since being separated, we had been taking turns with the kids, and on this particular night he had them. Well, I get a call about 8 p.m., and immediately I knew he had been drinking. He, of course, vehemently denied that, but admitted to taking 4 of his panic attack pills. He seemed depressed as usual, and being the loving person that I am tried to talk calmly and rationally to him. I even offered to take the kids back so that he could just chill out.
He kept calling back, and each time was more irritable and irrational. The call was about 9 p.m. and he just started ripping me apart, saying college educated people were stupid, yadda yadda. He also said that one sentence summed up his life "I want to die, I have NOTHING." I stopped him in his tracks, rose my voice and told him literally to grow some fucking balls, that I was not a child and wasn't going to stand for being put down, told what to do and demeaned ANY longer. I told him I was coming to get the kids and slammed the phone done. He calmly said okay.
All the way there I am fearing that he will kill himself in front of the kids. After all, he tried hanging himself in front of all of us back in October, what's to stop him from doing it or something similar again? I pull up to the house and see the kids BAWLING. I thought, "Oh, shit....." Apparently, he pulled them all outside and told them he was never going to see them again. He was ranting and raving and I just started going through the house grabbing things for the kids, etc. I had parked my big Suburban just at the end of the driveway and he starts to pull out of the garage, all the while me screaming at him that I parked behind him. He basically backs up over our flowers and nearly misses the mailbox. I was livid.
I call my brother-in-law in tears wondering what to do, and he said call 9-1-1 and get out of there. My husband COME BACK and starts yelling at me and asking who am I talking to (my bil heard all that) and I told him what the fuck does it matter. Then he leaves again, but not before asking me for a kiss! I gave him a look like "WTF" and put my hands in the air.
My poor kids. I take all of them back to the apartment and we all just sit and cry for awhile, me trying to reassure them through my tears, telling them that I would NEVER EVER leave them.
We all manage to go to bed, but at 2:30 a.m. my cell phone starts ringing, and I immediately think it's him wanting to berate me yet again. I look at the caller i.d., and it's a pretty generic number. I ignore it, but it rings again, same number. I was fearful to answer, so I didn't. I don't know how I managed to fall back asleep, but I did. When I woke up for the day, I immediately looked up the number on the internet and come to find out the number was for Littleton Adventist Hospital. Oh shit...
After being transferred a few times, the nurse told me he was in a rollover motor vehicle accident. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt, only broke his fucking arm, and his blood alcohol level was .311. Yep, he wanted to die. Only days before, he jokingly said he had a spot picked out in the mountains where he could calmly drive off the cliff. He even mentioned that in passing to his dad and one of his friends. Jesus. His accident was near the foothills -- yep, on his way up to the mountains. I'm wondering if he swerved, was being chased by the police, or possibly just passed out.
I promptly got a restraining order the next day, and have had it extended. I go to court next Wednesday. I couldn't get the papers served, because they refuse to serve patients in hospitals, and also the Behavorial center he was transferred to. I don't know how he make it to this next hearing -- just as well. His dad told me the car looked like a pancake and that he didn't know how anyone could have survived. He almost got sick looking at the remains of the car. It's a damn miracle he didn't kill anyone else. Apparently, he got a DUI (well, obvious), no insurance (fucker), possibly resisting arrest, reckless driving, among many other things. His dad is so upset that he isn't sure of all the other charges.
I AM getting divorced. There is nothing I can do for this man, who is so determined to end his life, and won't stop until he succeeds. The alcoholism is one thing, but he has something deeper than that -- a troublesome, deep-rooted mental illness that needs treatment -- psychiatric treatment and proper medical care. I can't even believe he still has a job after all of this. I called his employer to ask about it, and she told me he's eligible for disability. I couldn't believe it. He has no idea, and is so selfish how this has affected his family, especially his children. We won't have heatlth insurance when (yes WHEN) he is fired, and I know he can't afford COBRA).
Alcoholism is a very manipulative, selfish disease. But like I said, I think it runs deeper than that. He's told me he will kill himself if I leave him, he'll start drinking, that he CANNOT live without me. That's why I have a restraining order. Now I'm just damn scared. To think that this man I married almost 12 years ago has turned into someone you read about or see in a movie.
That's it for now, as I am gettting upset all over again typing it out.
Posts
